Dress is here

Tried on The Dress today. Oh dear god. DEAR GOD.

Let me walk you through the wedding dress process. First you try on samples in size 12 because that's all they have in the store in order to torture you. All of them will look like you are standing in glittery white sleeping bags. Some lady will then hook jumper cable clamp things to your back to gather up the extra fabric. You will pick the least sleeping bag-like of the dresses. Six months later it will arrive, and you will get to see if the size arbitrarily selected fits. (You're a street size 2? Great, we've ordered you a size 8.) Then you'll pay hundreds of dollars to have it altered.

Mine mostly fit; the waist has to be taken in a little and the hips have to be taken a lot because I have what I've decided to call an "athletic" build with broad shoulders and narrow hips. Also this dress is long. Very long. And it can't be hemmed because of a special lace trim plus I ordered it that length on purpose to go with heels, which may have been dumb. Now I see that these heels will need to be about 5" high, meaning I'll stand taller than my fiance. How cute. Look at us breaking heteronormative standards.

The sales lady was sweet and tried adding a petticoat to the bottom part of the dress to poof it out and take some of the length off. Looked like I was hiding a class of toddlers around my legs. Is there a movie where children emerge from the petticoats of a dress? Maybe Wizard of Oz when Dorothy meets the little constituents of the Lollipop King?

I don't know if they'd be constituents. I highly doubt anyone is democratically elected in Oz. That place's government seems unstable at best. Political assassinations by tornado & "water" (it was acid). And that wizard charlatan blowing Emerald City's budget on painted horses. Where was the press to report on that? Probably strung out on poppies, that's where. Horrible.

So imagine this dress plus a foot more of poof in either direction at the feet.

 Oh yeah, that's my dress. It's simple. My rules were no sequins, no rhinestones, no asymmetry, must have room for flask(s). It comes with these neat detachable sleeves. 

but I can't wear the sleeve-let thing because of my aforementioned athletic build. 

My options are: 

1. Wear 5" heels (maybe thick heels or wedges?) and definitely be taller than fiance and possibly fall while dancing.

2. Wear 4" heels and hope that pressing the dress makes it a little shorter. And if it doesn't, just let it drag the floor some.

3. Forget about shoes until the last minute, buy both 5" and 4" heels, have a panic attack, go barefoot, trip, ruin photos/entire life.

Leaning toward option 3. 

K I think I need to go volunteer at a soup kitchen to make up for how self-involved I've become.